It’s been SO long since I posted here.

I sort of forgot that I had this thing. Really. In the time since I have posted, there have been so many things going on in my life. I celebrated Yule and the coming of The Sun with my Wee Ones here, and we took offerings to the Selkies down in the bay. Tumultuous things have happened in my family, with all that goes with that. It’s been a few weeks shy of a year ago that I last put the flesh of land animals in my body, too, and the results have been amazing. I usually feel so light and free and alive. At first, I figured there was some scientific, hormonal-interaction reason for my body rejecting red meat and poultry, but over time I came to know that I am a Selkie, and we were never, ever meant to consume those who walk upon the land. i have come to not only accept, but embrace this way of living. I subsist on mostly vegetable matter, and…of course….cheese…which I’d dearly love to give up…. and when my body feels that it needs a protein boost, fish and shellfish. It works well for me.

This quarter, I am taking an eight credit program called “Masquerade and Metaphor.” It is just simply fucking amazing. The basis of the program is the exploration of how we, as women, have over the centuries used masquerade to survive, and even to thrive. Through the study of art, art history, poetry, and literature, and with art projects and performance art pieces of our own, we get to explore this. At the same time, I am on the cast of this year’s “The Vagina Monologues.” Oh. Holy. Fuck. I am immersed constantly in the Divine Feminine. I eat, sleep, play and work with, and breathe the essence of womanhood. I get to explore all that it means to me. How have I viewed Womanhood in the past? Through who’s eyes did I take those views?

I’ve begun questioning. Everything. Literally, I have started wondering about every single aspect of my existence, including all the parts of my past that combined to create this amazing, sexual, beautiful, vibrant being that I am now. My life is amazing. . . and intense. . .and draining. . . and yet, it’s all going by so quickly.

Recently, I have had a young woman come into my life, one who somehow inherently knows me as the person I am. One who when making Love can make me forget that I was ever born with a penis. . . we’re poly, and she has a girlfriend who was there long before I was. She’s a busy professional with a six year old son. I am a full time college student with volunteer obligations and a family also. It has been hard to connect and spend any time together.

A month ago, I answered an ad on the Evergreen email list calling for people to audition for this year’s performance of The Vagina Monologues. I auditioned, and was blessed with a part in the performance. It calls for almost all my time out of class but it is sooooo worth it! I want to write more about all that, but at the moment, I am unable. However, I suddenly find myself in a community of Cunts. A living, vibrant, supportive, family of Sisters with a common purpose. THIS is my life.

I am suddenly so tired and confuddled that I can’t complete this post as I wanted to. But. . .I am here. I am alive, I am blessed and Beautiful. One more attempt at communication that I just did not quite get right. . .but. . .I’m trying.

Love to you all.

I always have a hard time adusting. . .

Each time that I spend time with Mama Ocean, it gets harder and harder to return to my everyday.

Last weekend, I went to La Push with my sister Becca and several of the folk from my Sidhehaven clan, including my best friend, Sherry. It was amazing. I feel like there is so damn much to write about here, but I just can’t pull it out today. It’s almost the end of the quarter, this week is Thanksgiving break and a wonderful opportunity to catch up in Russian…I am so far behind! I actually have enough time to get completely caught up though, if I just DO IT. I don’t know what is wrong with me the last several days. I feel. . .I don’t know. Something. I’ve been in the deepest, darkest shadows of depression before. I spent years there. I don’t want to return there. But I can’t gather motivation to do anything. I have moments where I get really excited about things. And I awake each morning knowing I am here in the same home with some issues that I am really kind of tired of. I honestly believe that if things don’t change before too long, I am going to look for a boat to live on down on the marina. I know that it’s a great upheaval and a heavy downsizing, but I know for certain I would feel SO safe, SO comfortable on the water. I’m not sure how to go about it all though. . . . with the girls visits and all. Not a lot of space…..but I know we’d have a blast!

Like I said. I don’t know. I do know that I have to always have options. I asked for this life. I willingly jumped into the deep end, and so far it has proven absolutely amazing. And it is ever changing. It is not a stationary life. Nothing Fae touched is truly still or ever can be. And I am in the adolescence of my new and wonderful life. It’s bound to keep changing. I welcome it. But I am sick of it. Yep…that’s me, Lil’ Miss Contradictory Conundrum.

I have heard that Selkies, when forced to remain out of the sea for too long, begin to wither, get ill, and ultimately die at a very young age. I am working on integrating the Ocean more and more into my life. My dear Sister’s gonna help me get comfortable swimming. I am meant to swim, and I am meant to be comfortable and have absolute joy in doing so. I can never live far from the Ocean, I just simply can’t not even an option for me. I need to get swimming, boating, fishing again. Seriously. I did not want to come home this weekend and I was a little angry at the Universe about having to do so.

I am rambling. I’m rambling because I’m just fucking stuck and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I need to get off my ass, get out of this house and out in the rain and down to the Sound. And I have felt it all day, and I should be doing it. And I am not.

In my magickal/spiritual studies, I’m seriously getting tired. I’m going on a year of seriously intense shadow work, serious transformation and revelation and frankly, I want it to stop and let me have a break, damn it. Its amazing and magick and awesome and painful and I need a fucking break! I realize even as I write all this that a lot of it is simply hormonal. I ache to see my family in the Rocky Mtn. area. My older children, my cousins, my grandmother and my aunt. My brother. And I can’t afford to. I have plenty of time during winter break that I could do it. But I can’t afford the repairs it will take my car to get there. That, and there’s the weather. It’s incredibly unpredictable there this time of year and I don’t want to get stuck, I can’t afford it.

And now I want to cry. Gods I am a mess today. Not really. I have been much worse. I guess I’m just a girl mooncycling. . .and it’s to be expected. Yes it’s hormonal. But it’s all real, I can’t and won’t discount it. When I discount what I feel, I end up in dangerous places. I don’t like dangerous places. It’s two pm and although I am dressed, I have not done a fucking thing except daydream about the ocean and about being with my family and my sister. About living with two tiny Fae on a boat on the Sound. About mounds of fish and shellfish to put in my tummy. It’s one of the huge things on my mind the last week or so. During break I am kidnapping Becca and whomever else wants to go and doing buffet at Red Wind.

Made sure I took antabuse pretty early today. I don’t want to drink, but I am also aware that I am in this slippery sort of emotional space right now. FUCK I don’t want to do homework. I so don’t. I want to pack up and drive out to Sidhehaven and be with my family and let the land take me for awhile. I know it’s coming. When I get there I will most likely just be pulled down and sleep. It’s what happens when I’ve been away too long.

Just a lil’ selkie girl on a rant. Missing her mamas. Her mother who was taken far too soon from this life (remember the captive Selkie thing) and Mama Ocean. Gods. There is so much to write. So much I need to write. I don’t know if I am ready to do it here just yet. WP is new to me and I don’t understand it very well.

I took out my belly button jewelry yesterday. It has been causing me horrible problems, repeatedly. The Fae told me yesterday I am not supposed to have it, and that I have ignored that for too long. I was told to design a tattoo and get it there on my tummy as soon as possible. And I already have it in my head. I need to draw it, and get with a friend to see if she can do it soon. Anyway, healing has been swift! It was angry and red and swollen and infected….and now it’s closed up, healing, itchy as hell, and absolutely no swelling or pain. And my body feels SO much better! Okay. I need to get off my ass and get moving. Thanks for letting me stand on the shore and scream out my bitches and moans.

Three fourty-five a.m. and I am awake….

And why??? I’ve no idea. I’ve spent a couple days feeling pretty yucky, was home from school on Monday. I felt quite a bit better yesterday and went to Russian class, which was actually quite pleasant last evening.

There’s so much on my mind. Some work I am doing in Feri has me really reaching into some dark places, and it’s been more than a bit draining, emotionally and physically. Of course, there’s a LOT going on.

I am excited for some huge things this week, though! Thursday evening, my lovely Selkie sister Becca and I are going to the midnight opener of the newest Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn. I am sooooo pumped for this. In all my 44 years, I have never been to opening night of a movie. Psyched! Then, it will be home for a few short hours of sleep before the two of us head out for La Push, on the Quileute reservation at the northern tip of the Olympic peninsula for a weekend with Mama Ocean and my BFF Sherry, as well as many other family and tribe-type persons. La Push is one of my absolute favorite places on the planet. I’m sure it almost looks like we are going on a Twilight related tourist-y trip there (that area is where the story takes place) but we most definitely are not.

I need to try and figure out how this whole WordPress thing works. Are there filters, are there privacy settings? Oh…yes, I see that maybe there are. I’ve gotten very, very much in the habit of hard-copy journaling, and love it. I don’t know for sure if I am really going to do much of that type of writing here, or not. We’ll see.

Someone who knows how all this works should come sit in my lap and show me. Someone cute and curvy.

Hello world!

Hello, and welcome to my new blog!  Not sure just how active I’ll be here, or where it’ll go from here, but I have been feeling the need to “start fresh.”  I am getting rid of my LiveJournal.  It served a wonderful purpose, and had a very tumultuous six-plus year lifespan, but it’s just not right for me anymore.

Who knows….Wordpress may not even turn out to be the blog site for me, but we’ll see.

Deep breaths. . .something’s coming.

"Seal the spell, there must be blood." ~from "September's Rhyme", S. J. Tucker 

It's these words that echoe in my heart and my mind tonight as I prepare for sleep.